my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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