I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
