Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
not ubering you a puppy
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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