we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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