What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
