I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You're a waste of cheezeits
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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