There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
