I will die if light touches me.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
