I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
