Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
