I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
sex in a hospital.. check
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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