I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
