He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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