I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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