I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
