My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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