You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
