Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
