fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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