she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
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