I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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