Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize