i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
