If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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