I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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