Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
