I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
