im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
