Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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