MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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