when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
