i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
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