It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
