Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
