I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
