when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
