My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Where is the hickey?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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