remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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