I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
People with herpes should wear stickers.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Randomize
