The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
