he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
