He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
