Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
