it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
What drink are we having for lunch?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
