I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
