if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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