I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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