i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
