Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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