Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
