I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Randomize
