There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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