we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
