Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
