Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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