2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
